By Tracy Williams, Syndicated Columnist
The Picayune Item
PICAYUNE —
It had all the makings of a really funny show, produced by Jerry Seinfeld, a line up of impressive celebrities and a never ending supply of couples with marital issues. Yet, for me, thumbs down and after a couple of shows, I wasn’t even checking in anymore. I think my expectations were too high.
If I really think about it, entering into a marriage with your expectations too high could cause a big deflation of marital bliss. Sort of like the first time your romantic notions end up in the toilet because your fiancée who never burped in your presence while dating decides to let them fly after the wedding cake.
I have never lived with someone that I wasn’t married to. How can I marry a man that I have tried out and found lacking? It is too easy to find a mountain of reasons not to wed when I can list his daily habits that irritate me. Dissolution opens the eyes of a lover when playing house with them.
Besides, how can I keep up my dating self of perfection on a daily basis? I would probably sleep with make up on! Living with your mate reveals all the imperfections, like looking in one of those ridiculous magnifying mirrors at Bed, Bath and Beyond. Yuck!
I like surprises anyway. The mystery of ‘can I live with this man’s inability to pick up dirty clothes’ intrigues me. Let’s find out.
With all the living together, the doom and gloom of crumbling marriages all around, couples today still manage to enter into the marriage agreement. But, will they make it?
The divorce rate is still about 50-50, so you can look at it that half survive or half tanked. Your pessimism can kick in and compare it to a weather forecast, at 50 percent; I can almost believe it will rain rather than not rain. So at 50 percent, maybe there is a chance for divorce.
The truth is if you go into a marriage preparing for divorce you probably will lack the commitment it needs to stay in the relationship. Once the dust settles, marriage is full of exit points. If you want out, you can always find a way. There is always the cliché excuse, “We’ve grown apart.” This really means, “I’m bored and you are boring.”
With the creation of the Seinfeld show, it promoted a new perspective to resolving marital conflict. Could it be that all we need to resolve our issues is a third neutral party, like Switzerland? Does every marriage need a marriage ref?
Who would be my marriage ref?
Let me tell you who it is NOT going to be — your kids. They should not be involved in your arguments or discussions. However, if they ride in a family car they will witness at least a handful in their life time.
Your in-laws should never be a marriage ref either; although, self-appointed, nosey mother-in-laws will try to insert their opinion as judge and jury, thereby dooming the relationship. Note: I am speaking from a hypothetical voice because all my moms-in-law are blissfully quiet and never intrusive.
These couples on the Marriage Ref argue over some inane and crazy disagreements. One guy wanted his wife to perform on a stripper pole in their bedroom; another had giant turtles living in the house. Then, I began to think about my own marital conflicts and maybe we couples do argue about some really bizarre and stupid things.
We argue about parking spaces, bedroom décor and what restaurant to eat at. We accuse the other of hoarding the television remote, although the man usually gets the control. Touché.
In the words of the great Dr. Phil, “If someone out there doesn’t agree with me, then somewhere a village is missing their idiot.”
The main fights are about money, child rearing, sex, tone of communication and chores.
I work from home as a freelance writer, I run many errands, I do mountains of laundry, I chauffer three kids, I coordinate all the activities of the family, I manage the bills, I clean the toilets of all three bathrooms at least once a week, I mow the lawn, I buy toothpaste, but inveritably, some week when I am busier than usual and the house is a bit disheveled, the comment that drives me over the edge is, “What DO you do all day?”
I will not waste anymore white space to defend my marathon lifestyle because my poor husband doesn’t have the same space to respond. But really?
Should we be looking for a marriage ref?
How do you hire one of those? Where do you look? What is the job description? Do I really want to follow the lead of the ABC show and have Larry David, Madonna and Alec Baldwin come over to the house to make comment? Isn’t that like asking a psychologist to do a pap smear? Marriage advice from the marital challenged?
Does Dr. Phil cost much to referee? Or maybe I would rather a woman, like Oprah? She would see things from a woman’s perspective.
Now that I think about it, we really do not disagree on much, and we do the give-and-take thing fairly well. I can’t point to one knock-down drag-out fight and the only testy moments are in the car. Do we really need a referee?
It appears that in our divorce forecast, I do not see any chance for rain.
Tracy Williams is a syndicated columnist and can be reached at her website: myhometowncolumn.com or become a fan on FaceBook at My Hometown Column.
